I was reading all these articles today about the new studio U2 is gonna get in Dublin and how they're putting together plans to build it, and U2 is gonna get the top two stories of this new high-rise. What caught my eye is that it sounds like the band will have some input into the planning and building of this thing, which makes sense since it's their studio. Bono said the band would put together some kind of "wish list" for their new digs. My question is -- what kind of things will each member put on his wish list when this thing is getting built?
When asked what design features he wanted built into the new studio, Bono mentioned that he wanted a balcony so that when things got heated, one band member or another could quickly get outside away from the others. I suspect the real reason for the balcony is so that the three of them could hang Larry upside down from the tower until he agrees to embark on another money-losing tour, perhaps even scheduling dates in Australia and Japan.
Off the record, I asked each band member what they would like to see most in their new studio, which somehow, according to press reports, they are not actually paying for. Why is it when you finally can afford to buy things, they're given to you? Larry hasn't bought so much as a hamburger since the Macintosh was invented.
Wish list for new 20 story tower studio:
Helipad so that he can quickly get to Dublin Airport and fly to any of the 75 countries to which he's promised the financial aid he has no actual access to. Also, new best friend Chris Tucker could drop by to boast about his Sub-Saharan Africa Q Rating. The parade of world leaders, supermodels, and a newly out-of-prison Winona Ryder would make the sky above the new studio look like LAX on Thanksgiving Wednesday.
Mr. Hewson would also like to have the studio security system to be top-of-the-line. He wants retinal scans and voice identification. This would mean he could absent-mindedly leave new lyrics laying around and work-in-progress DATS wouldn't be stolen and spread on the Internet before they are ready.
Is insisting on the best ventilation system money can buy. He's tired of the sissy-boys with wives and children, Edge and Bono, complaining about lung cancer and smelling of smoke. Rock 'n' roll is a crude, smelly business and Adam feels as though his band mates have lost sight of this fact.
Adam also wants several separate lounges with dim lighting and comfortable pillows so that he can entertain "special friends" during breaks in the recording sessions.
Requires not one, but two secret entrances. One for him, so he isn't forced to smile and make nice with the fans that will inevitably be camped outside while the band is recording. And another for Ann and the kids so that no photographer will ever get a glimpse of exactly what they look like, or indeed, what their names are. These entrances will lead to an elevator which will be controlled by a key that only Larry and Ann have access to. (Bono will also have his own elevator, but his will be made of glass and filled with bright light, so that all of Ireland will be able to see him ascend to the top, in a theatrical manner befitting the lead vocalist. Take that, guy from Creed!)
Larry wants a garage built at the ground level with special motorcycle parking.
Larry wants a levitating drum riser, like Tommy Lee had on the last Motley Crue tour.
Larry wants a flat-top barber on call at all times.
Larry wants Internet access so that he can check his portfolio while Bono and Edge are arguing about the meaning of lyrics like "coffee is cold, but it will get you through."
Merely wants the studio to have sufficient heat so that he can finally take off the beanie that's been attached to his head since 1992.